Recently, I have had two very close friends announce that they are headed for divorce. They are both very close to me and it was hard for me to hear each couple's story. Shortly there after, I had three friends go through devastating break ups. I would never judge them nor would I try to give them advice. The only thing that I can do is stand by their side and support their choices. Being a good friend starts with being a better listener.
I got some feedback from some friends about the "Sing Your Song" posted on January 6th and in the light of the recent events, I found another related article in this month's Vogue and thought that I would share. It is entitled "Love's Labour's Won" and it is about a woman who pursued a relationship outside of the marriage and wanted to have an affair but didn't. She was tired of the same mundane routine and needed to redefine herself. She lacked confidence and personal style, dowdy and lackluster. Craving change and new direction, she began her Master's program increasing her social skills and appearance. She blossomed and grew as a result eventually seeking outside approval from a handsome young man in class.
She felt that if she didn't have the affair, all would be lost and she would never feel this way again. Although she had pursued the man in the story, he respected her marriage and denied the advances by simply stating "because you are someone's wife". They never had a physical relationship of any sort and communicated mostly by email. She created a relationship in her head constantly obsessing about the greener pastures for months to come.
The beauty of this story was that in the end, she had turned to her best friend to help her out, her husband. She came clean and told him that she had fallen in love with another man, she was a wreck from the denial and needed him to help her pull it together. He knew her better than anyone ever has and she needed him to see it through for her. She never stopped loving her husband or her family and now she needed their support. Was she rebelling against the mundane routine? Had she lost her independence by focusing only on her kids and husband neglecting herself? Was it the the lack of reward from her successful career given up to raise her kids? Was she even seeking this new man or was she seeking a sense of renewed self? What ever her reason, he helped her through the mental anguish addressing her personal demons and saved the marriage.
I wrote this today for a very close friend who loves his wife unconditionally and recently asked for a woman's perspective during this heartache and knows that the love is not dead just experiencing turmoil. I told him to listen to his heart and less to opinion. Remain open and honest, resisting the fear of judgment . Fight for what you know is right and continue to love unconditionally and you will get your answer. Here's to you my friend. I love you, support you and trust that you will see this through.
Reference article can be found in February's issue of Vogue entitled "Love's Labour's Won" See below for reference siting.
Marcia DeSanctis. "Love's Labour's Won". Vogue February 2010: 94-98.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Tony Hagene
ReplyDeleteWOW! Having recently gone through a divorce, similar to this story, you are right on the money with this one! I typically don't read blogs and stuff, but this is truly the best information for anyone doubting their marriage! Hopefully everyone will read that blog. Take care! :)
Thank you, Tony. I was hesitant to post it because it is a sensitive subject for many. Thank you for your support!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a wonderful thing here, keep it up! It is a hard subject, but people REALLY need to think about the effect a divorce has on both people involved and the life of their families.
ReplyDeleteHad a similar experience as the author in Vogue did. Went through hell and back when the whole thing blew up. My best friend husband helped me through too and didn't throw me out. He stuck with me and we pulled ourselves out of the abyss that could have ended in divorce. I still think of the other man - pretty much on a daily basis. It's slowly fading away - thankfully. I still miss that "other" life I lived and loved for a brief few months but I love my husband and my "real" life more.
ReplyDeleteI was this woman as well, but in a different situation. M is powerful, successful and also married. We are both CEOs in the same industry, and both have passion for our work's mission.
ReplyDeleteHe initiated the idea the third time we met (for what I thought were purely business reasons) to my utter surprise saying his marriage was dead and he wanted to stay in it only for his daughter. My marriage was a cold clump of ice. After 2 mos I was in love even though unconsummated, and his wife put an "electronic ankle bracelet" (spyware) on him, so we are now in suspended animation. He professed to being in love with me as well. We continue to talk occasionally, but I will not initiate it any more.
My husband, best friend, and I are starting to come out of the utter hell of the past month to look forward, I hope. I fear M resurfacing in my life, because right now I would still walk away from a "great life" in a heartbeat, but I think about him and miss him every single day.
I only hope that when he does (and he will) my world will be in a different place. The morale of the story for me is that this woke me up to how unhappy I was in a marriage that was in a coma. None of us knows how the story will end. It's the worst place to be in the world.
I thank you both for your comments; I love that you have shared with us what many experience but never talk about. I applaud you for speaking up. We will never know who will enter our lives or why but we will always remember how it felt to have them. I hope that you all continue to visit.
ReplyDeleteAll My Sugar,
Cyn
As a suscriber to Vogue, I read the story a few months ago. It's incredible that now it's happening to me. Reconnected with my first high school sweetheart over e-mail several years ago. After a very polite e-mail only relationship during the last three years, he recently confessed he never forgot me, and that during the last 30 years, his feelings for me were still strong. It was mind blowing. I confess I always thought of him, from time to time, fondly. We live in different countries, which makes this, well, a bit akward. We've spent hours online chatting, exchanging e-mails, messages and connecting in such a way I never felt before. Due to family obligations, I travelled to the city where I once lived. We met. We played with fire, we became teenagers again. We are desperately seeking each other electronically all the time. The connection is incredible, just cannot express it with words. I'm married, same as him. Both in a dead relationship type marriage. His seems to be worse. We do not know what the future brings, we are making plans to meet again, soon. Imagine living in different countries is not easy, however, we do not feel the distance. He has told me, pending different circumstances, he would marry me now. I am absolutely in love with a man who challenges me constantly, who makes me think and feel what I never felt in my life, and I'm almost 45. I guess it's never too late. I've been on the brink of confessing this to my husband, though. This is an incredible love story I will never, ever forget, and which I hope I can someday openly tell to others. I thought all of this was foolishness, pure and simple, being the corporate executive I am, did not let me feel anything else besides work and daily pressure to be perfect in every aspect of my life, except on the love department.
ReplyDelete